I Had You
by xhalleonlatsyrc
Summary: It is so hard to fall in love with someone whom you weren't supposed to have.
1. Chapter 1

I've been having a sudden urge to write another Lavi/Lenalee fanfic so I finally went ahead and did it. Haven't written a fic in years so hopefully I haven't gotten rusty.

Content: Romance, Hurt/Comfort

Notes: Current chapter is on Lavi's POV. To be followed up with Lenalee's POV.

Status Type: TBU

_"It is so hard to fall in love with someone whom you weren't supposed to have."_

* * *

My name is Lavi.

It's been a year now since I'd left the Black Order. It's cold where I am now, but it's not that bad. The Sun warms me up during the day. I feign some sort of emotionless demeanor but almost all the time, I feel frustration, weariness.

I grow anxious whenever I see someone whose mere back view reminds me of her. I walk into pastry shops and buy chocolate cakes because she could never resist those. I smile because seeing her face in my head feels more real than reality itself.

Gramps tells me, "_I warned you. I warned you a thousand times but you never listened._"

Honestly Gramps, I wish I heeded your words. But how was I to know until I've fallen in way too deep.

See, this is what you've done to me.

You've destroyed me, Lenalee.

* * *

I mean, if there's anything I still pride myself in, it's my memory. Everything I've come across, everything I've seen…it's all right up there.

Everything that's good or bad or you wished you could forget, they never go away.

I remember morning coffee. The sweet smell of flowers. How it feels to just look at her and see the corners of her lips turn upwards.

I will make a confession; As if you don't already know, I like girls. I like their attention on me, even when they pretend to resist my obvious charm.

Gramps is very unlike me in this way because he has never been very smooth with the ladies. I don't get what's there not to like. Girls, they smell nice. They always got such smooth skin. And I think they look the cutest when they're all shy around you

Especially Lenalee. She avoided me for the whole of next day after I'd kissed her for the first time ever. It was funny when I overheard the staff saying that Lenalee "_has been red in the face all day, she must be coming down with something_". She'll probably still continuing avoiding me had I not intentionally jumped up on her outside the female bathrooms. _(There isn't that many females in the Black Order so it's relatively quiet around that area.)_

She was so cute, pretending to be nonchalant about it. But I was genuinely bothered about her avoiding me. I could see that over the past couple of months how much she liked me, and not in the way that she likes her brother or Allen or anyone else. I probably should never even step near that thought but I wanted her to continue liking me.

I asked this time, if I could kiss her again. She was hesitant but she never pulled away. I take it as a yes.

Kissing her the second time was better than even the first. Maybe it's the strong smell of her shampoo or maybe the kiss is significantly a lot longer than the first, but damn. Her lips were so soft, and I liked how she grabbed onto my shirt like she wants more as well. She's still red in the face when we finally break apart but I can tell, she enjoyed it.

As for me, I'm just digging a bigger and bigger hole for myself to sink into.

I'd told myself I will just get close to her, for all the information I could gain from her. She'll be just another stepping-stone for me. But things have an odd away of turning out.

Every time I see her, I'm fighting with every urge in my body that wants to just grab her and kiss her. Her face lights up in a different way every time she sees me, which makes me happy, an emotion I shouldn't quite have. I fear every time she goes out on a mission that I haven't been assigned to as well, and find myself sighing in relief when I learn she's safe and back and unharmed.

I know what about her attracts me so much. She was so different from what I am. So full of emotion and feeling and always thinking for everyone else.

Such a far cry from the man that I am.

I long to see her all the damn time. We kiss in the library secretly when I'm really supposed to be documenting stuff and Lenalee is…not even supposed to be at the library. I pretend to like it when I come across a petty girl during missions with Allen or Krory but in my head, I compare them to Lenalee only to quickly realize it's not even a competition.

Once, Lenalee and I stayed in the same motel room when on a mission. It wasn't our initial intention but it was a tiny motel and there were only so many rooms.

It was the one of the few times I really felt I was me. Not a Bookman, not Lavi, just an ordinary man wanting a girl more than anything in the World.

We talked about ourselves for an hour, and we kissed for one more after that. There were all these…physical needs, and I'd been concealing them. But Lenalee is the most perfect piece of history there is, and to be able to have her would make me the luckiest man on Earth.

I remember whispering into her ear how much I loved her for countless of times, somehow desperate to assure her that this was real. I could still feel her fingers digging in the skin on my back as she fought back the tears. She'd asked me if it was right we do this before we even did but I couldn't imagine anything be wrong if I was with this girl.

We finally sleep, both contented and happy.

In truth, she tells me all the time that she feels lucky and so blessed, for me and for all the good things in this World. I always respond with a smile. However, I walked away that one night feeling like a murderer. I hadn't only killed her; I'd basically wrenched my heart right out of my chest and left for it to rot.

I didn't want to wake her in her sleep, so all I did was catch a quick glimpse at her perfect sleeping face before walking out the front door. I don't know how she is right now. I don't know if she's still waiting for me or perhaps she'd already outgrown me and moved on. She probably hates me and I guess that is understandable.

It is still cold where I am, but nighttimes are the most bearable.

Nighttimes are when the town is quiet and I am truly alone. Alone as the weak person that I am for not being able to get rid of her being in my head.

I look up at the starry sky, and silently wonder if she's doing the same.

Maybe one day, among all my thousands of other insane _(sometimes suicidal)_ thoughts, I will find the strength to see you again.


	2. Chapter 2

Finally I have Lenalee's side of the story up! Enjoy!

Content: Romance, Hurt/Comfort

Notes: This chapter is on Lenalee's POV.

Status Type: TBU(?)

* * *

_"I know you're a Bookman, and you won't stay for anyone, not even me."_

* * *

I am Lenalee.

It's been pretty hectic in the Order lately. It seems like the Noah are making their next move and I'm going to have to have to leave for another mission within the next couple of days, maybe even the next couple of hours.

In fact, I've been running all around since this morning. It's tiring, but I'm smiling and working and trying to pretend I don't actually have you on my mind every second of the day.

I push myself each day, keeping myself swamped with things to do.

I refuse to think about you, to think about us.

But when the day is over and night falls, I'll be alone on this bed and my thoughts will somehow drift to you.

You're not mine to have but there isn't a second where I wish you were.

* * *

Initially, I never saw you as anything more than a friend, a brother, a comrade. But when I fell ill, you cared for me more than you should have. When my innocence evolved, you'd held me in your arms like you were as afraid for me as I am. You didn't have to but you always stayed by my side.

You're a bookman in-training, Lavi. You should've known. I guess the same goes for me, but I couldn't help myself. I was already looking at you in a different way before I realized.

It started slowly, where I would rush to look for you so long I've got even a few minutes to spare. It's fine even if it's just to know how your day's going. I don't even know why, but it became a daily routine I look forward to.

I wonder if you thought I was weird then, but I hope not.

The day I realized was when I brought you morning coffee and you were sitting at the balcony of your room, surrounded by a bunch of books and papers. You opened your eyes, took a whiff and there was the warm morning sun pouring in. You turned to smile at me and I was instantly captivated, probably blushing and hoping you don't notice _(you probably did, you notice everything)_. I wanted to be by your side the way you always did for me.

I'd even given you my first kiss, Lavi.

I don't know how kisses were supposed to be like. I'd seen couples kiss on the street before and they'll always look so blissful. As like any normal girl, I had hoped for mine to be wonderful as well, but I never carried big hopes or even thought about falling in love because I was in the Order and my duties came first.

But Lavi, you blew me away. You should've at least asked before you did it but you didn't. I didn't expect my first kiss to be in the middle of the library, backed up against an old bookshelf but when you think back, it was kind of apt _(since I was kissing the bookman junior)_.

It was not long after when I realized I had a big problem. I think I'd fallen in love.

Silently, I'd take note of the little things he did. The foods he liked best, the way he twirled your pen when he's thinking of what to write, and even the way he cocked his head to a side when he isn't really listening but pretending to. I was becoming a little too concerned but I guess that's what happens when you like someone.

It may not be the open relationship everyone prefers but I was contented just being with you, Lavi.

We'll sit at the roof of the Order during certain nighttimes and Lavi would hold me against him as we stargazed. He'll tell me stories, be it knowledge about the solar system or how he liked the nighttime, and I'll listen intently to the sound of his voice.

During missions, sometimes, whenever we're near or in a nice bustling town, we'll go to the best dessert shops and Lavi and I would be there chatting about ourselves. His hand would then reach for mine and I let it stay that way.

There was one day, however, when Lavi suddenly mentions that we shouldn't be like this.

You'll regret all of this, he said, but I just shrugged it off.

I didn't want to think about what comes after. I was trying to avoid the inevitable, but honestly it's not like we could do anything at that point of time.

I felt so in need of him that when Lavi asked, I let him take me without a doubt. We'd stayed in the same motel room when we were on that particular mission once. Nothing was planned, nothing was intentional, but I was with the man I loved and what happened was real.

We'd lain on bed side by side, talking, whispering about many things. We burnt through many topics quickly. At one point, there was just silence and I look to find Lavi staring into my eyes. When his next response was to kiss me, I found myself kissing him back immediately.

We'd kissed countless of times but this time, it felt desperate, more intense than ever. I wondered what came over Lavi at that moment, or what he could be thinking of, but I didn't want him to stop. We messed up the sheets and accidentally knocked something over but we carried on anyway.

Lavi made me feel beautiful, and I loved the way he looked at me. It wasn't there when we met in the beginning but now, there's something in those eyes now, emotion.

I'd never felt like this before, so in pain yet so genuinely happy. I felt Lavi kiss me on the forehead and pulling the covers over me when the high was over, and the best thing ever was waking up to still see him beside me, never gone.

That was the last time I would remember it happening, for after a few days, you left.

I thought I'd get to see you at the breakfast table, like always, but all they tell me was that your work here was done and you'd boarded the first train hours ago. I'd tried searching for you but I accept now that trying to find you, when you could be anywhere in the World would be quite impossible.

I had, for those few short months, hoped.

I had hoped I would be the reason you'd want to stay, to even quit being a Bookman's apprentice, and to be an exorcist instead. I'd never dare say it because I know how naïve it all sounds. I know you're a Bookman, and you won't stay for anyone, not even me.

That fateful day you left, you took a part of me with you. All I wanted was to say goodbye to you properly, to be able to kiss you one last time before you left but you couldn't even give me that. I didn't ask for a happy ending; I only wanted to hear you say you loved me even if we couldn't go any further than this.

I wish I could outgrow you.

I wish I could move on.

I wish I could hate you, but all those things I wished I just couldn't do.

Here I lay alone on this bed, still awake, still thinking. I feel the warm tears on my cheeks but I make no attempt to wipe them away. Soon enough, I will drift to sleep and wake up the next morning to a new day. It will be another day without you, but I will pretend it's okay the way I do each day.

I close my eyes and in my head, I pray I'll dream of you.

And in my dreams, you will have me in your arms and everything will be good once more.

* * *

_I am thinking of doing a third chapter where Lavi and Lenalee finally finds each other again for real but not sure if I should. It's basically between me leaving this fic on a sad or possibly happy note so please let me know what you'll prefer!_

_Thanks for reading!_


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